FateOne-shots Galore
by InDeathWeLaugh
Summary: Set in a modified Fate/kaleid liner PRISMA ILLYA join the hilarious antics of the Emiyas! Enjoy thier crazy lives! Shirous bad luck with girls and visiting with their crazy family friends the Tohsakas, Kotomines and, the various servants! who happened to be along the way! Kiritsug x Irisviel Shriou x ERYONE!
1. Chapter 1

Another morning in the Emiya household was just about to begin with its usual members beginning their day. Kiritsugu stirred his eyes opening to a curtain of white hair his wife was sleeping soundly as he spooned her light body against his. Lifting himself carefully he smiled as he watched his wife Irisviel smile as she slept soundly probably having one of her dreams that no doubt she would impose on them. Sighing he kissed her cheek and she snuggled into the sheets further sighing happily. Kiritsugu proceeded to the shower and took a quick cold shower to start off his morning. The cold water woke him up and gave him renewed energy finishing his morning routine he put on a dark purple button up shirt and some dress pants with black socks. Making his way downstairs he rolled his sleeves up and started to cook something he did when home and had the free time to spare.

Illya woke up stretching smiling as she felt rather well rested this morning. Stretching she rolled her shoulders and got up gathering her things she went to the bathroom to start her morning routine. Exeting the bathroom she saw her mother stepping out of her room already dressed and full of energy as always. "Ah morning mama!" she smiled brightly and hugged her mother who returned with all the joy a mother could share.

"Ah morning Illya-chan! Another wonderful morning" she hugged her daughter before both made their way downstairs. As both of them reached the downstairs the smell of food hit their noses and they rushed to find Kiritsugu in the kitchen. Pots and pans about and plates set at the table Kiritsugu in a simple white apron was cooking food.

"Yohoo~ Kiritsugu could you be cooking western breakfast today?" his wife placed her hands on his strong shoulders peeking over. Clapping her hands Illay smiled.

"Haaa? Papa are you making eggs and beacon!" she said gleefully at the thought. Smiling Kiritsugu moved aside and showed the sizzling bacon eggs and bread placed on a heating pan to warm it up. Irisviel clapped her hands.

"Ah wonderful!" soon after the rest of the house inhabitans made their way downstairs Shirou and the Lesyritt and Sella. Again the more serious sella told her master to let her do the cooking to which he waved her off saying he enjoyed doing so every once in a while. Table sat the family sat down to a noisy breakfast.

"Itadakimasu the family said in Japanese" before starting the meal. Well almost as Kuro ran her way down.

"H-hey why did nobody wake me! Ah papa you cooked!" she said excitedly.

"Yep. Western breakfast for today" he pulled the chair to his right not occupied out. Kuro beamed and sat down before starting to eat. The meal was filled with conversation and trouble as Sella once more berated Shirou who took it in stride while Kuro and Illya tried to defend their 'Oni-chan' from Sella. With breakfast done Sella and Lesyritt began dishes while the rest of the Emiya family sat on the living room being a weekend they seemed to be thinking of what to do.

"Hmm eh old-man what should we do?" Shirou started before Kiritsugu grabbed his head and squeezed making Shirou grab the hand trying to pry his head free.

"Old man huh?" Kiritsugu said rather void of emotion only making Shirou grin weakly.

"Ouch, ouch, ouch, haha…come on j-just a joke eh?" he grinned. Kiritsugu let go.

"Ah Oni-chan" Illya said lifting her arms grinning rather weakly not sure what to do as the nursed his forehead with Kiritsugu's hand print on it.

"Ah I know why we don't go to the park!" Irisviel clapped her hands utterly oblivious (or chose to ignore) the aggression against her adopted son.

"S-sure" Illya said sighing.

"Yeah okay" Kuro said.

"Hm" Kiritsugu made the-none committal sound but agreeing none the less.

"Sure" Shirou shrugged.

"Snacks?" Lesyritt said.

"Is that all you think about? Haaa I can make a basket" Sella said turning back to the Kitchen.

"Oh come on Illya-chan, Kuro-chan let's help!" the three girls Kuro the less willing were pulled by Irisviel to the kitchen to help Sella. They knew better than to try to sway Irisviel from anything when her mind was set. Kiritsugu stood and motioned for Shirou to follow him "Come on lets go set the car up…gods save us if Iri decides she wants to drive" he muttered both men shuttered.

"I heard that~" Irisviel said from the kitchen in a sing song voice the smile never leaving her face.

"I love you too" Kiritsugu only called back making the household occupants laugh. Outside Kiritsugu opened the garage opening the trunk to their expensive Ashton Martin Shriou and Kiritsugu cleared the trunk. As they unloaded some boxes Shirou noticed something on the tarp that covered the spare tire it was lifted a bit from its usual flat placed tarp. Shirou reached to lift the tarp when Kiritsugu over his shoulder said rather casually.

"What are you doing?" Shirou stiffened.

"Eh this is sticking out so I wanted to see why?" he said.

"I see…just leave it like that" he said waving him off.

"It's fine really dad I can fix…it" Kiritsugu stared at him and Shirou rolled his eyes sighing.

"Arlight, alright sheesh…just trying to help" he said backing off. Kiritsugu smiled in his usual manner patting his head.

"I know kid but try not to help people who don't need it" Kiritsugu said before walking up and leaning against the car. Reaching into his left pocket he produced a lighter and from his breast pocket a cigar box giving the box one shake the butt of one cigar poked out. Taking it with his lips he flicked the lighter on and took a slow drag. Shirou leant on the car next to him hands in his pockets.

"You know you shouldn't smoke like that it's bad for your health" Shirou said.

"It helps keep the jitters away besides nothing a quick regenerative spell doesn't fix" Kiritsugu shrugged off. Shirou shook his head at that statement.

"Ah you're a bad example for your kids you know that" Shirou grinned.

"I prefer to think of myself as a perfect role model who shows the good and bad of things" Kiritsugu grinned sighing the smoke out. Shirou only chuckled before pushing himself off the car as the door to the house opened and out walked the Emiya women. Irisiviel held a basket Sella a cooler and Leysritt another basket while Kuro and Illya held a blanket and box.

"What's in the box?" asked Shirou.

"That's a surprise~ Irsiviel said in a sing song voice. After stuffing the trunk and everyone made for the doors Kiritsugu and Irisviel both reached for the door of the driver's seat. Everyone tensed Kiritsugu determined stared his wife down while Irisviel did not falter in her smile and opened her palm.

"Keys please dear" she said not asked. Shirou seemed to beg him and Sella was staring with notable fear at Irsiviel. _Everyone is counting on me damn I just need to…yes offcourse beat her at her own game. _Kiritsug smirked and lifted his hand from the door handle. Taking a step back reached to his lip and exhailed his last puff away from his wife and family. Grabbing a small cylindrical container from his back pocket he slid the top to the side and dropped his cigar inside before shutting it with a click. Placing the cylinder back on his pocket Kiritsugu thrust his fist forward and everyone gasped. Kiritsugu was mad was he truly going to? Iirsivle smiled confidently and thrust her fist forward just a few inches apart they stared down at each other.

"Whoa…papa is so brave challenging mama" Kuro said in bewilderment. For some reason a tumble weed rolled past their front driveway. Shirou pointed at it but was ignored except Sella who hit him upside the head and told them to watch as the two masters of the housed dueled. Finally Kiritsugu pulled his fist back and Irisviel did so as well. Both thrust their fist's forward and announced with challenge in their voice.

"Rock!" Kiritsugu.

"Paper!" Irisviel.

"Scissors!" Kiritsugu. Their hands almost met at the middle.

"GO!" both exclaimed and revealed their weapon of choice! Illya gasped amazed Sella was left speechless Shirou looked away shoulders sagging. Kiritsugu's eyes widen…he should have expected this he supposed Illya felt her heart sink and Kuro cheered for Irisviel. Kiritsugu narrowed his eyes as he thought his defeat his hand laid open and flat his wife held her pointer and index finger out forming scissors. _No that couldn't be possible…he saw her hand motion perfectly as she thrust her fist forward she kept it tightly closed…I made sure to keep mine closed only snapping my hand open by controlling my innate time at the last second._

_***Flashback***_

_**Kiritsugu thrust his fist forward and his eyes watched his wife's fist closed perfectly. He smirked inside his mind before he chanted in his mind. **_

"_**Time Alter: Double Accel!" in a quick second burst his hand snapped open only to be met by his wife's fingers.**_

_Wait…no I see! _Kiritsugu thought his eyes wide and Irsiviel pulled her hand back and held it before her laughing in her glee.

"Haha I see you underestimated me Kiritsugu but I knew your strategy from the first second you pulled back. So I just poured prana into my eyes so I can better see the magic travel through your magic circuits when I saw your eyes travel to my hand I knew victory was mine" Irisviel smirked. Kiritsugu gasped before smirking and spreading his hands in defeat.

"I see to be expected I married the great Irisviel Von Einzbern it's to be expected" he unconsciously stepped forward.

"But off course though if I hadn't remembered your time crest victory would have been yours. To be expected after all I married the man who managed to capture my heart" Iri took as step forward. Kiritsugu felt his knee touch the cement floor his right hand went up and held her outstretched one.

"I had to win my princess heart I could not have allowed myself to deny such worldly pleasure" Kiritsugu said as he placed a soft kiss on her knuckles Irisviel smiled gently her free hand slid through his messy hair.

"I could deny it myself you are the man I fell in love with after all" Irisviel said as she stroked his cheek gently before he stood and she held his slightly scruffy cheeks as she leaned up to him. Kiritsugu wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed his wife lovingly. Irsiviel sighed into her husband's mouth as they kissed. Meanwhile the spectators looked on confused.

"Wait hold on…who won?" Shirou said. Kuro shrugged confused while Sella blushed looking away from her mistress and master. Sella…she ate from a bag of chips she sneaked from the basket while everyone was staring at the now lovely display…if albeit confusing manner they got there.

"I'm pretty sure mama won but…I just don't know" Illay sighed. Kiritsugu and Irisviel parted and he took the keys from his pocket and offered them to Irsivel who to everyone's shock denied them and let Kiritsugu drive. Though they all let a breath out in relief t being spared Irisviel's driving. Piling into the car the Emiya family drove out the entire way Irisviel hugging Kiritsugu's arm while the former Magus-Killer doted on his wife indulging her with plenty attention. The drive was short as they made it to Fuyuki's local park setting up the Emiya family blanket down everyone sat and ate snacks and drank refreshments brought in the cooler. After the snack Irisviel called for their attention and brought forth the box she said was a 'surprise' everyone crowed around it Kiritsugu leaning on his hand propped up against his folded legs.

"Now to unveal...Irisviel's surprise fun game box of death!" She said excitedly thrusting a fist in the air" everyone made an exasperated noise and backed off a little at her sudden outburst.

"D-Death?" Sella said confused.

"To be expected" Shirou said jokingly only earning a punch from Sella to his face.

"He never learns" mutters Kiritsugu shaking his head.

"Are there any prizes? If so I hope they are snacks" Lesyritt said.

"Mama you death? I hope you don't do anyting dangerous." Illya said.

"Death is the fun part!" Kuro sadi smirking at Illya.

"Now for the first game! Kick the can!" Irisviel produced an empty can from the fun box.

"That's the one where you kick the box and hide correct Mistress?" Sella asked for clarification.

"Yeah but! I added a little twist!" she said with a glint to her eyes everyone (except Kiritsugu) shivered at that last part. He was expecting it the second she announced the game.

"W-what did y-you change mama" Illya said dread pulling in the pit of her stomach. In her mind everyone thought the same thing…once more Kiritsugu being the sole exception. _Please don't be stripping clothing. _Irisviel only laughed waving their concern off.

"We will be playing in teams!" she said making everyone sigh in relief.

"How do you play this in teams Iri" Kiritsugu asked himself confused.

"That's easy! We will be separating into three teams Kiritsugu and me. Kuro-chan and Illya-chan! And Sella, Shirou and Lesyritt!" she explained with her usual smile.

"A-alright but no base guarding!" Shirou exclaimed already getting into his 'game mode.' Everyone nodded agreeing.

"Alright! First round team of the beautiful goddess and her faithfull servant! Against the dissenting servants!"

"Huh?" Shirou said.

"Iri and me versus you guys" Kiritsugu explained as he rolled his shoulders and neck earning a satisfying pop.

"Ha you're not fun~" Irisviel waved Shriou off.

"Why are we servants of any kind? I thought we were just playing kick the can jeez" Shirou mumbled as they prepared. Shirou had been chosen to kick the can the young man put the can down and prepared himself to kick it.

"Hah you're going to regret not banning magic" Shirou said. Irisviel looked at Kiritsugu grinning at her husband. He only shook his head shrugging.

"We will see dissenting servant you will feel you goddess punishment once you fail she said with a sly grin. Everyone froze

"W-what? Mama you never said anything about punishment" Kuro said this. She still remembered that 'punch' Irisviel used to knock her out once.

"I didn't?" she said through her smile innocently with a finger to her chin as she cocked her head to the side.

"Well punishment is required for those who have displeased their goddess! You can't possibly mean you would expect less! My dark knight off course will handle the punishment." Everyone seemed to feel more at ease at that. Kiritsugu was reasonable after all.

"I wouldn't sigh if I where you ive been instructed by our lovely goddess to punish you on the most…intimate of ways" he said a dangerous glint to his eye as he smirked everyone felt a sudden chill go up their spine…except Irisviel she felt a bit more of a prima thrill…but alas later once they returned to their bedroom.

"Shirou! Make sure you send that can out of this park!" Sella suddenly demanded with a pale face. With determination Shirou backed up. Turning to Kiritsugu Irisviel placed her hands on his chest and a thin blue glow was placed on his body. Shirou closed his eyes and concentrated as he called on his prana to reinforce his leg muscles.

"HAAAAA!" Shirou yelled with full vigor and ran at the can.

"You have ten seconds of fast regeneration" Irisviel said nodding to Kiritsugu he nodded and Kiritsugu in a ready stance. He watched Shirou run at the can and he chanted just at the right time as Shirou got closer to the can.

"Time Alter" Kiritsugu said. Shirou kicked the can and it…. exploded wide open the thin metal warped around his shoe. Everyone stared at the can mouths opened Illya raised a hand feebly.

"T-take two I suppose" Irisviel laughed a little. Irisviel this time with a reinforced can prepared themselves.

"HAAA!" Shirou yelled.

"Time Alter" Kiritsugu chanted. Shirou yelled and kicked the can shooting it off into the sky.

"Square Accel!" the grass where Kiritsugu stood as he sprinted at four times the speed of the visible eye. Shirou's eyes widen.

"C-Crap run!" everyone scrambled away as Iri looked at them smirking already claiming victory. Not five seconds later Kiritsugu appeared as if he had disappeared as he slid to a stop kicking grass in a crouching position placing the can down he nodded to his wife and the two split up looking for them. Heading into the trees Kiritsugu pocketed his hands and walked calmly between the trees and shrubs. Stopping by a tree he stared it for a second looking at the tree. Turning to it he stared at it intently his cool stare would have scared anyone at the other end of it. Illya felt herself sweat as she covered her mouth to hide her breathing as Kiritsugu stood before her. _I'm a tree, I'm a tree, and I'm a tree _Illya thought desperately hoping the chant would keep her from being found fearing the 'punishment' Irisviel 'forgot' to tell them about. Kuro was on top of the tree while Illya was against the tree trunk using her prana to form a reflecting light field making her technically invisible. However if one looked hard enough they could see the outline. Kuro took to the shadows and used a bit of prana to stick to the shadows. _Illya! Don't get found I'm going to end up feeling twice the punishment! _Kuro thought. Kiritsugu walked away out of sight by some trees and brush. Kuro sighed suddenly the tress rustled and she felt her branch dip a little she froze as she felt the warm breath of someone with the distinct smell of mint gum. Slowly Kuro turned her head and found Kiritsugu crouched on the branch his arms placed around her sides. She stared into his face as he gave off a lazy smirk.

"Hi" he said. Kuro felt herself tremble a little _p-papa that hi is a bit scary. _Kuro thought as she chuckled and waved her hand at Kiritsugu lamely.

"Y-yo" she gave a peace sign. Kiritsugu chuckled and a yelp some leaf's rustling Kiritsugu landed kneeling down Kuro thrown over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Kuro sighed well if Illya didn't get caught that would mean she would only have to deal with her own punishment. Kuro watched as Kiritsugu made a weird motion with his hand placing his middle finger against his inner thumb he placed his hand before the tree. Kiritsugu flicked his finger and Illya's concentration was broken Illya held her head tears brimming in her eyes.

"Oouch papa! Your mean" she said he only chuckled before Illya squealed and found herself like Kuro over Kiritsugus shoulder.

"N-no way how did you find us!?" Kuro protested wiggling about on her fathers' shoulders.

"You both had on perfume I smelt it as soon as I got close" Kiritsugu chuckled. Both girls froze and went slack they remembered that morning.

_***Flashback***_

_**Illya was in the bathroom and looked at the perfume she bought. "With this…yeah I bet Oni-chan will be smitten" Illya put on a moderate amount. Finishing her mourning routine she left and few minutes later Kuro entered the bathroom.**_

"_**This is the perfume Illya bought…I bet to impress Oni-chan…well I can play that game too" Kuro chuckled with glee and put on a good amount of perfume.**_

Both girls were taken to the clearing and Kiritsugu plop them by the can. "It looks like you lost to papa eh girls?" Kiritsugu smirked.

"Illya's to blame wearing perfume for a regular outing." Kuro said Illya glared at Kuro.

"What?"

"Actually I smelt yours Kuro you must have put too much" he patted his girls before pocketing his hands and narrowing his eyes in one direction and walking calmly there. Irsiviel walked and looked about looking for Shirou and their faithful servants. Closing her eyes she focused prana into her ears and listened carefully.

"Caught you!" she snapped her hands up to a tree by her and wires flew from her sleeves like a spear into the tree. Tightening she pulled on the wire and brough her prey to her. Sella cried out as she was yanked off the tree and wus hung upside down. She thanked herself for wearing pants this morning instead of a skirt. Gently lowering her sitting down Irisviel smiled and poked her nose "Gotcha" she smiled. Sella sighed and gave a grin at her mistress.

"Yeah but you unfortunally left yourself unguarded" Sella said and grinned for once she thought she got one over her mistress.

"Huh? Why is that?" Irsiviel cocked her head curiosly.

"We knew Kiritsugu-sama was going to catch Illya and Kuro. Shirou is heading for the can as we speak!" Sella smirked. Lesyritt came out from a bush eating some chips.

"Ah we've been found" she said though she didn't seem all that particularly sad about it.

"I see you have played tircks with your goddess! I shall have to offer you the most powerful of punishments!" Sella almost felt like cowering from her mistress as Irisviel gave a haughty laughed none unlike Illya's friend Luvia. Using her magecraft she made her finger into a gun and fired a concentrated burst of prana into the air before it exploded into a bright flash.

Shioru ran pouring prana into his legs to reinforce them to run as he ran he smirked he could see Illya and Kuro at the end of the end of the trees sitting by the can. He chuckled until he heard a loud thud and then another and then another. He looked behind him arms pumping back and forth Kiritsugu was running RIGHT BEHIND HIM _oh crap he's catching up! _Shirou gawked before pouring more of himself into the run.

"can't catch me old man!" he yelled. Kiritsugu poured prana into his legs and his longer strides were catching up. Shirou broke through into the clearing and his sisters stood up yelling at him to win for them.

"Run Oni-chan! Win!" Illya said.

"Run we have to win for my sake!" Kuro said she was still dreading her punishment. Almost there yes he can almost see it. Alas his blood ran cold as Kiritsugu chanted his usual spell closing in on him faster than he could make his enhanced legs go.

"Time Alter: Double Accel!" Kiritsugu poured on the extra speed Illya and Kuro ducked hugging the ground das Kiritsugu dived! And tackled Shirou onto the floor

"AAAHHHHHH!" Shirou yelled as he felt his midsection before the poor young man in ever his bad luck got a face full of grass as they slid to a stop. "O-ouch" he muttered. Kiritsugu only chuckled standing up dusting himself off.

"Come on Shirou I barely landed on you" he grinned and hauled his son to his feet.

"I think I can taste my heart" he muttered. Kiritsugu laughed and simply helped back as everyone returned to the picnic area. Eating the rest of the food the Emiay's spent the last of their afternoon laying back and relaxing after playing a few less 'damaging' games. Hide and seek that Kiritsugu won and they all had to team up to fight him until Kiritsugu was found smoking a cigar in the starting area ten minutes later. Freeze tag was the most fun one as but again Kiritsugu won it in the end with his physical prowess. Getting late they packed up ready to head home before entering the car however Irisviel gave them their punishment.

"Now to deal out my punishment! If you must all…walk back home!" she said cheerfully.

"Eh? B-but were tired!" Shirou tried.

"I see well I am a merciful goddess and while this punishment is befetting I will allow you amnesty" she began. Before she they could celebrate however Irisviel spoke up again.

"But for leniency you must choose a sacrifice to walk home while the rest of you can ride!" she grinned. Sella spoke first.

"Shirou!" Sella said.

"Shirou" Leysritt added.

"Oni-chan!" Kuro gave a thumbs up.

"S-sorry Oni-chan" Illya bowed truly sorry for this. Shirou watched them all with big eyes.

"E-eh b-but I…ugh fine al see you guys home" Shirou started to walk away until Irisviels topped him hugging him and buried his face in her rather proportionate breast.

"Ah Shirou my little hero always willing to take everyones burden despite the punishment! I will spare you all!" Irisviel declared and everyone cheered. Except Shirou who was muffled betweened Irisviels breast. Kiritsugu leaning against the car only chuckled shaking his head his wife always changing her mind when she fell like it. So came an end to one of the many ordinary days of the Emiya family late in the night Kiritsugu was propped up against some pillows on his bed shirtless Iri clad in only his previous purple button up shirt laid herself on his chest. One of his hands cressed her head the other held her hand tenderly.

"Kiritsugu…do…do you regret it?" Irisviel suddenlty whispered to him her hand tightening on his. Kiritsugu brought her hand and kissed it before kissing his way through her arm and kissed Irisviels lips gently lovingly.

"No…I don't regret destroying the Holy Grail. I love you and I love my children…I couldn't ask for more" he smiled at her. Kissing her lips and he kissed his way down Irisviel giggled as he kissed her milky thighs and she brough her feet up and he placed a chaste kiss on her right foot. Crawling his way up again he kissed her lips one more time before they both settled for bed Kiritsugu discarding his pants favoring his boxers. Snuggled up together they slept soundly and dreamt nothing just simply rested their dream was already a reality.

**First fate fic! This is going to be a series of one-shots in a modified version of the Fate/Keliader universe. With the Emiya family Kotomine family and Tohsaka family getting into their misadventures. Enjoy and tell me how you like it I hope I emulatet Shirous infamous bad luck well as well as Kiritsugu who is a lovable father and husband but still has that Kiritsugu quality about him we all know and love!**

**Next Chapter!: Visiting with the Kotomines!**


	2. Chapter 2

Saber received the cellphone call from Shiro last week he called her in hopes of having company when he and his family went out. They apparently got invited to lunch to the Kotomine's house to which Arturia (Or saber as she was more commonly known) instantly denied the request. She shuttered she didn't need to run into that arrogant golden hair idiot. But unfortunally it turns out her…she won't call him friend and definitely not master! Kiritsugu yeah just his name. He found out and he used that damn curse he put on her! She was Arturia Pendragon the King of Knights! Saber one of the most powerful classes! However she was powerless to Kiritusugu's magecraft as he when she was indisposed Kiritsugu placed a curse on her planted some Command Seals on her. Not like practical command seals these seals made her bent to his will but where implanted on her! They also seemed limitless.

So when she felt the familiar tingle on her upper back as the command seal took effect she was now in front of the Emiya household. Knocking on the door she was greeted by her good friend Irisviel who looked elated to see her.

"Saber! Oh it's so great you decided to join us!" as the white haired woman hugged her Saber felt her eyebrow twitch. _I'm here because of your magecraft _though a good magus Kiritsugu did not have the full complement of his crest. Though if she remembered correctly Irisviel was petinioning to have his full crest implanted on him. Though he told her it wasn't necessary Irisviel wanted Illay to inherit the crest. That lack of crest on his part meant she was the biggest help on making these cursed Command seals on her back. Now to his amusement Kiritsugu liked to every now and then use them on her.

"Yes my decision indeed" she rolled her eyes and Irisviel only grinned winking at her. She did her share of commanding on her. Saber blushed when she entered the Emiya home as she found Kiritsugu in his 'work clothes' his black trench coat grey dress shirt and grey vest and pants. When he saw her he gave her that look. It was that look that he got whenever he felt like teasing her. A pull back of his lips his dark eyes with a glint of smugness looked at her. She blushed as he stared at her in that manner and she felt Irisviel's hands on her shoulders her thumbs rubbing slow circles on her shoulders to add to Kiritsugu's look. _No not again! You fool me once shame on me but not twice! _Saber was determine to not fall for their tricks again.

"Hello Saber-chan" Kiritsugu smirked and Saber huffed at the Japanese add on to her name.

"Y-yeah hey Kiritsugu, Shirou, Illya and, you as well Kuro" Saber gave a short bow.

"Ah well now that we are all here let's head over Claudia-san's home!" Irisviel for one was excited to visit the Kotomine home. Shiro just dreaded Caren, Illay and, Kuro where already planning on how to keep their 'oni-chan's' attention from the Kotomine daughter. Everything set Sella and Leysritt waved goodbye to their masters as they piled into the family's Ashton Martin and drove to the Kotomine home. The home was rather big something a man on a priest salary couldn't possibly have! But that was alright considering It was from Caludia's family who apparently where quite wealthy and so they were given this lovely home in the Japanese style of old. Complete with sliding doors a very serene stone garden and koi pond. Even some hot spring baths natural off course from where the house was built on. The ride was relatively…well Irisviel drove so Saber was used to it but Shirou and Kuro where still pale with fear as Irisviel swerved and drifted through the streets. The back sit consisted of Saber looking out the window calmly as everything swerved and passed by with the occasional bystander cursing at them. Kuro next to saber who clung to Shirou for dear life the young man himself holding the safety handle with knuckle white grip. At the front the slightly embarrassed Illay sat on Kiritsugu's lap feeling the odd bumps on his coat. They were his tools and Illay for her part didn't want to know what he meant by that as her mother described Kiritsugu's work involved cleaning up. Still she relaxed as best she could considering her mother's driving but Kiritsugu held a comftarble arm wrapped around her small waist holding her in place. Arriving to their destination they parked outside the compound a few by standards whistling at the sleek Ashton Martin and the beautiful women stepping out of it. But off course any of the more bold on lookers that were about to step up to the beauties quickly stepped back from the cold unfeeling glare of the man in the trench coat and the fiery glare of the red head youth. Pressing the doorbell button Kiritsugu pushed everyone back and after a few seconds he moved his head to the side as a long blade penetrated the door. Everyone except Irsviel jumped back. A deep voice form the other side spoke up.

"Did I get him?" it asked. Kiritsugu responded.

"Not even close" quick as lighting he reached into his coat and drew his custom made Thomspson CONTENDER and fired off a special Origin round into the door. The people quickly ran and the Emiya family quickly gaped at Kiritsugu except Irisviel offcourse as she smiled happily just humming to herself.

"You alive?" Kiritsugu asked the now damaged door opened and they were greeted by Kirei Kotomine who offered this smile that almost seemed practiced.

"Ah perhaps next time…Kiritsugu Emiya" he extended his hand Kiritsugu quickly sent a reinforcement spell to his own hand and shook Kirei's hand. Both men gave these practiced smiled at each other and one could almost swear they were crushing their hands the Emiya family sweatdrop…except Irisviel who merely bowed and greeted their host.

"Ah good afternoon Kirei-san" she smiled. Saber waved lamely just taking the oddness of her cohorts like any other day. The children all bowed but their faces only held a grimace that this was going to be a long visit.

"Ah afternoon Irisviel-san please come in Claudia has prepared quite the meal for us" the smile he gave this time seemed more sincere but only managed to look terrifying to the young teens as they entered the home with some trepidation. Shoes off they walked through the Kotomine home until they entered a room with a table plenty of food set out and two lovely women sitting at the table. Rather one a grown woman Kirei's wife Claudia Hosteen-Kotonime and Caren Hosteen-Kotomine the younger girl and daughter. The older woman had pale skin like a doll white hair not unlike Irisviel's and golden green eyes with a kind smile her daughter almost a spitting image of her. Claudia had once been a sickly woman with an immune deficiency but thanks to Kirei's father Risei Kotomine who had a friend who had high connections with The Mages association. Tokiomi Tohsaka a family friend and the best healer magi treated her into fixing the essentially genetic defect. Their daughter had thankfully been spared the genetic defect as she had seemed to have received the effects of the healing magecraft as Claudia's treatment happened when she was pregnant with Caren. Now the woman was a very joyful mother and wife to the two loves of her life. In fact her new found love for life often seemed to leave her ignoring her husband and daughters rather…sadistic pursuits.

From Kirei's unhealthy obsession with Kiritsugu to Caren's unhealthy obsession of getting Shirou to like her…while simultaneously causing him as much bad luck as possible. The woman seemed aloof to these traits but when Kiritsugu Emiay seemed fixated on killing Kirei and Shirou just trying to survive Caren's affection Irisviel took it…like she takes everything else in stride. Saber herself at this point felt her mind like when she was at war desensitized about the abnormal behavior of her friends and just went with it. These attitudes often made the young teens wonder if their family was insane but then again they seemed to be just as accepting and their own sanity was in question to them.

"Ah Irsiviel-san! Welcome to you as well Kiritsugu-kun! Please, please sit! Let us eat while the food is warm" Claudia clapped her hands and the guest along with Kirei took their seats. But before they could eat the sliding door opened and Saber a noise that seemed between a sigh and grunt. As the golden haired man in the doorway fixed his red eyes on her with a shit eating grin on his face.

"What's this? You where you planning on eating without me? As your king I am appalled" he said as he walked in uninvited and sat himself next to Kirei.

"Ah Gil-san sorry I didn't think you'd wish to join us but yes please enjoy" Claudia again aloof to the whole situation just accepted it. Gilgamish was Arturia's bane the man would not give up his pursuit of her! Sometimes she wondered if god had something against her cursed with that golden arrogant fool after her and then there was Irisviel and Kiritsugu and their….no! She would not dignify that with thoughts. She blushed and concentrated on eating the very good food!

"Ah Claudia-san you outdid yourself this is very delicious! More please!" Saber instantly switched her entire demeanor as she smiled rather cutely in Kiritsugu's opinion and asked for seconds. The Magus Killer chuckled and returned to the conversation he was having with his wife and the occasional glaring contest hidden behind smiles he was having with Kirei. Gilgamish only seemed to have eyes for Saber who was all but ignoring him the food holding all her attention. Shirou meanwhile was trying to eat with Caren clinging to his right arm and sending a smug look to Illya who clung to his other arm and Kuro leaning over glaring daggers at Caren. _It's hard to eat like this _thought Shirou with a rather nervous smile. Seeming to read his mind Caren picked up some food releasing his arm and lifted it to his mouth and she opened her own mouth as to persuade him going.

"Ahh" Illay gaped angry and quickly grabbed some food as well. Shirou opened his mouth to say he could eat himself when Illya shoved the food in his mouth nearly making him choke.

"Ah Shiro please watch out it would be so unfortunate to see you choke your hands clawing at your throat for breath as you turn purple and choke on your own spit" Clauda blushed as she described his death Shirou only felt himself grow paler with a frighten faced. Caren blushed her face in ecstasy describing his death. Simultaniously she shoved more food on his mouth Claudia smiled saying.

"ah how cute look Irisviel-san we might have a wedding if Caren and Shirou keep getting this close no?" she smiled ignoring or perhaps unaware at the desperate faceof Shirou as both Caren and Illay and Kuro who tried to shove food and drink down his throat. Kiritsugu looked for help to his parent's but Irisviel was on full steam talking about a wedding between him and Caren with Claudia while the two husbands smiled at each other unbeknownst to them under the table Kiritsugu pointed his CONTENDER at Kirei. The executioner had a black key extended and ready to fling under the table at Kiritsugu. So the meal continued by the end of it Shiro was on his back dazed and feeling sick to his stomach from the abuse of food. While Caren watched with that same ecstasy filled look as she described him dying from drowning on his own throw up. Kuro and Illya at this poit where pale and stopped eating feeling their own bile rise from Caren's description. Eating done the two families moved to the living room where they enjoyed more conversation. Rather Claudia and Irsviel talked Kuro and Illya traded threats with Caren while playing tug of war with Shirou's arms who kept wishing he wasn't there. Saber meanwhile was trying very hard not to summon Excalibur as Gilgamish kept staring at her blatantly undressing her with his eyes. Kiritsugu seemed to be having a civil conversation with Kirei. Well aside from the fact Kiritsugu was pointing a gun at Kirei and the executor had three black keys drawn aiming for Kiritsugus neck. Luckily the evening seemed to end without incident…well if you do not count the destroyed furniture with three black keys sticking out of it and the opposite couch destroyed by gun fire that again the two loving wives ignored…or where oblivious at this point they seemed to be one in the same. The two families decided to play board game a classic monopoly. Kiritsugu seemed to have teamed up with his wife and Caren and Kirei teamed up themselves Claudia seemed this independent monopoly controlling her corner of the board. The teens scrambling to pay and keep some money against the titanic force of the adults.

"I think this game is long past friendly" Shirou murmured as he watched his father with a rather satisfied grin buy out one of Kirei's propertie's. The executor was giving a rather cool glare to his counterpart one hand casually in his pocket no doubt fingering a black key. Kiritsugu not so subtly had his hand in his coat and Shirou felt he'd have to dive to knock Illya and Kuro down from fight that he was sure would explode out.

"Oh come on! Jail again!" Kuro complained picking a go to jail card from the pile. Caren giving a smirk in her direction flaunting her money in her direction. The bank being Illya was for one watching the events play out as she held to what little money she had left. But though she thought herself clever he knew she had been plotting against Caren from the first dice throw. A few turns later Shirou was in debt to Irisviel who was thinking of ways for him to pay off his debt all of them involved some crazy idea or other. Though he did like the one where he got to ride a horse wearing armour. Saber was less enthusiastic about she had opted to sit out the game but remained sandwiched between Kiritsugu and Irisviel. Though she felt their hands that they subtly gave her fleeting touches and made her blush. Saber decided it was the lesser evil as Gilgamish who did play and was bankrupt in the first four turns as he spend his money freely.

"Hah! My riches are endless Babylon's treasure are as vast as the sea!" he boasted a sore loser who Kirei had to use his own command seals to stop him from destroying the house in a fit of rage. A good waste of four command seals in Kirei's opinion but he did not want his home destroyed. Considering it would not be his hand that ended Kiritsugu he made sure Gilgamish was properly stopped and sedated with some promise of good wine to be had from Claudia's family that had quite the superb vintage.

"We might win this in no time Iri" Kiritsugu commented and reached across to place his hand on his wife's shoulder but not before brushing saber who sent a glare at him blushing as she did so only making him smirk. Irisviel only hugged Saber proclaiming she looked cute when blushing Shirou shaking his head his parents where too immature and transparent sometimes. The game ended with the surprising winner being Claudia who ended up banking from everyone. With that done she offered everyone to use the hot springs. Saber declined saying she would go alone and last a wise move that got a pout from Irisviel and a indifferent shrug with Kiritsugu who did not use his command Seals on her. No he liked to use his own skills to lead her to do. No! she will not entertain the thought! She was fooled once not again Kiritsugu nor Irisviel would get the better of her this time she was certain. As such she was pleased with herself as she sat by herself enjoying the orange tinted sky as the sun set. Until a certain golden haired heroic spirit joined her and she was forced to deal with his tries to get her to marry him.

The bath cleared and after making sure Gilgamish was properly indisposed off she told him she'd give him a kiss goodnight if he stayed in his room obediently.

"I am the king of kings and do not take orders from anyone…however I will allow your request and allow you to be graced by my lips" he arrogantly said which she knew was his long winded way of saying okay. So in the middle of the hot springs she enjoyed her bath in peace. Her muscles relaxed and she felt the heat bring a blush to her face. Sighing happily nothing could ruin this

"Here allow me" a deep low voice said and Saber felt a strong pair of familiar hands on her bare shoulders apply light pressure sending a nice feeling as her muscles were massaged.

"Thank you…you KIRITSUGU!" Saber screamed standing up and magical wind whipped about her as Excalibur was pointed at the offending magus. Despite having the holy blade pointed at him by one of the strongest servants Kiritsugu didn't seem all that threatened. Saber blushed glaring at Kiritsugu her arms shaking a little he smirked standing up and the steam did nothing to hide his shame. Kiritsugu praccctically saw like a cup being filled the blush rise from Saber's neck to her face he grinned pushing the blade away with his finger and closing in. When they were stopped by the sound of a voice that sounded horrified.

"Kiritsugu!" Saber and Kiritsugu turned to see Irisviel look at them with a horrified expression on her face filled with betrayal. Saber paled and Kiritsugue only gave a sheepish shrug to his wife with that grin of his.

"I can't belive you would go behind my back…and play with Saber all by yourself!" Irisviel huffed puffing out her cheek not unlike Illay did when she got frustrated and stomping her foot on the ground.

"Ah sorry I just wanted to make sure Saber was alone" he shrugged. Irisviel closed the sliding door behind her and the steam did little to hide her shame as well. In the warm water Saber tried to sneak away from the distracted couple but Irisviel pounced her hands on Saber's small breast! The heroic spirit blushed

"I-Irisviel! P-please not again!" Saber tried vainly to get out of this situation that was eerily familiar situation that now she HAD to give thought too because this was too much! Kiritsugu calmly walked the water barely disturbed by his movements sitting down before her and Irisviel he brought Saber down on his lap with Irsiviel sitting on Sabers lap. The white haired woman nuzzling herself on Saber the poor servant was caught between a woman and a hard place… _Gah I didn't mean that I take it back I take it back! _Saber thought desperately. Kiritsugu slid his hands on her waist Irisviel slid her hands from Saber's chest to her shoulders and finally held her face. Kiritsugu's scruffy chin on her shoulder felt ticklish as his lips glided to her neck looking up her body accepting it she let out a rather pitiful no into the night.

"NOOOOOOO~" the no ending with a pleasurable sigh from Saber from pleasurable attacks of her foes.

The family spent the night at the Kotomine house Shirou barely slept much keeping guard because he caught Caren, Illya and Kuro trying to sneak into his room four times. With only three hours of sleep he stretched his sore body and popped his joints rolling his shoulders and neck around. Dressed and ready for breakfast he exited his provided room. He walked to the adjacent room where his parents slept. He knocked on the wood of the sliding door. Irisviel's rather cheerful "Enter~" was heard and Shirou walked in Irisviel finished buttoning her trademark red blouse and patted down her hair. Kiritsugu finished tying his tie and slid on his shoulder holster containing his CONTEDENDER.

"Morning guys I think Claudia-san is making breakfast before we leave. Al go wake up Saber and the rest" Shirou said but stopped when he noticed something on in the sleeping Futon his parents shared. She sheets were wrapped a bundle of something after a few minutes a blond haired head poked out her hair loose and a bit wild. Saber gave off a cute yawn snuggling into the Futon her arm reaching out to Kiritsugu's spot to find it empty. No doubt she was looking for his warmth and she scooted herself to Irisviel's side but again nothing. Mumbling something half sleep she opened her green eyes. Drowsily she protested.

"The least you could do is cuddle after" Saber stopped as her eyes caught a confused Shirou's.

"S-Saber uhm why are you in my parents futon" he questioned.

"Uh-uhm y-you s-see Shirou" Saber tried to explain herself as she wrapped herself in the Futon's sheet. _Shoot I forgot my clothes in my room _Saber gave off an awkward smile not sure how to explain this. Shirou however wasn't good at putting two and two together when it came to these situations so she was saved by Kiritsugu.

"Saber got scared because she didn't bring her stuffed lion to sleep with" Kiritsugu said and when Saber turned to glare at him she could see the amusement in his eyes. Swallowing the biting insult she gave a forced smile and responded.

"T-that's right that lion y-you gave me from the carnival a while back has become my sleeping partner" she chuckled awkwardly and Irisviel threw herself at her.

"Ah Saber your so cute you should spend the night at our house today too!" she said. Shirou shrugged accepting the explanation but rather pleased with himself that saber held that stuffed animal so dear to her. Truth she did keep it in her room in her home but not to the extent Kiritsugu described it.

"I-Irsiviel I'm afraid I can't not without Lion-kun" she said revealing the pet name she gave to the stuffed toy. Kiritsugu grinned slipping on his coat and pocketing his hands.

"Ah then you can share our room again that would be fine wouldn't it Shriou?" he asked his son who again was completely oblivious to the situation at hand as poor Saber was played into their hands once again.

"Yeah! It be fine I guess besides Illya and Kuro love having you around! Well come on let's go eat breafkest! I'm starving." Kiritsugu left to get Saber's clothes as she buried half her face into the Futon's pillow glaring at Kiritsugu and Irisviel and the innocent looks they gave her. _Fool me twice shame on them but now thrice and now I'm stuck…I hate to admit defeat! Even if defeat end's up with gratification! _Saber cursed. Breakfast went about the same as dinner last night only this time an angry Gillgamish glared at Kiritsugu completely oblivious of Irisviel's involvement in seducing the lovely King of Knights. Kiritsugu for one ignored him more focused on his angry eating with Kirei. Both men seemed about ready to snap their chop sticks in half. Meanwhile Irisviel and Claudia talked while Shirou thankfully sat himself down between Saber and Kiritsugu to spare himself this meal. Though he was still half asleep from the lack of sleep and ate with a sort of mechanical manner.

"Ha Irisviel-san I adore your family visits! I hope you visit again soon" Claudia put her hand to her cheek as she wrapped her arm around her husband as they stood by the door. Caren blew a kiss to Shirou who gave a weak smile while Kuro dived in between the kiss as if it was a bullet fired at him.

"You saved Oni-chan! Good job Kuro!" Illya gave a thumbs up to Kuro who is hauled off the ground by Kiritsugu to his shoulders. Kuro giggled hugging his head Kiritsugu smiled despite Saber's inherit distrust and she wouldn't call it hate but rather apprehension to Kiritsugu she still found it sweet the man could be a great father.

"As expected you used up your ammunitions so you are using Kuro as a shield" Kirei spoke up. Kuro sweat dropped slumping forward on Kiritsugu's shoulders.

"Perhaps but that's why you are so cozy with your wife around you with no more black keys Kirei Kotomine" Kiritsugu said with his smirk.

"Until next time?" Kirei asked smirking with that sadistic manner that was not noticed by both Claudia and Irsiviel. The teens and saber however sweatdropped. _I retract my thoughts Kiritsugu you are still a despicable individual _Saber thought shaking her head. Their goodbyes said they returned home Kiritsugu driving this time around with Illya sitting on Irisviel's lap as she leaned against Irisviel and her mother rested her chin on Illya's head. The family returned home and when saber tried to sneak out of her spending the night Kiritsugu had already sped off on the Ashton Martin to her room to retriever some of her things. The worst part being she felt insecure that he knew where she kept her things in her room! _How does he know these things! _Saber thought blushing.

"You okay?" asked Shirou seeing her blushing and Saber only laughed it off saying she was never better. They arrived home Sella and Leysritt prepared lunch they all talked and had a fun time mostly Shirou who looked about ready to pass out his fun was quickly draining giving out to need for rest. So another day ended in the Emiya household as they all readied for bed Irisviel received a call on her phone.

Picking it up Irsiviel answered it with the Japanese greeting.

"Moshi-mosh!" Kiritsugu chuckled at his wife's antics. "Mhm…oh yes sounds splendid! Very well see you then Aoi-san!" Ending the call she called out. "Great news everyone Aoi Tohsaka invited us to go out to their private beach resort next week! Isn't that great!" Saber was already thinking of excuses to avoid going if only to try and hope Kiritsugu wouldn't use his command seal on her.

Shirou had already passed out on the couch and Illya and Kuro just blushed thinking of what bathing suits they could use to keep Shirou's attention. Kiritsugu shrugged smiling not minding another one bit spending time with his family before he had another 'job' to attend to abroad. Kiritsugu took Shirou to his room and everyone got ready to sleep. When Kiritsugu entered he already found Saber in their bed blushing giving him that trade mark glare of hers as she pull the sheets to her body. Kiritsugu knew already Irsiviel had releaved her of her night gown if the one folded on the vanity table by the bed was anything to go by. His coat disposed off he undid his tie and entered the bathroom after Irisviel exited. Once more she was in one of his shirts this one a simple white cotton shirt as she finished brushing out her hair and joined Saber in bed under the sheets. Kiritsugu exited the bathroom in pajama pants his torso exposed.

"Well I suppose we should get to sleeping eh Saber-chan" he used that name again and Saber blushed deepened.

"J-just o-one more time…d-don't get the wrong idea okay! I'm already stuck here m-might as well is all" Saber stuttered Irisviel grinned in Kiritsugu's direction and he chuckled getting in bed and he whispered something in Saber's ear that made the king of knights swallow thickly before turning to him and her lips met his. _I'm going to be on the offensive this time! _Saber thought as she rolled herself on him glaring at him while blushing creating a cute effect. Irisviel slid her arms around Saber's waist and Saber sighed as once again she had two opponents to deal with…although this time she will admit on her part she allowed this to happen…but only because she felt like it! Not because she was tricked…at least she tried to keep that in mind as the night went on.

**Lol finally update this inspiration struck me xD and I thought wouldn't it be fun if poor Saber was stuck in an affair with Kiritsugu…and Irsiviel…and really they both just pushed her buttons because hey! Who doesn't enjoy a flustered saber am I right :D!**

**Also poor Gil xD don't you worry his role was minor on this chapter but I promise you he will make a comeback he's too full of himself to not demand attention xD. **

**Hope you enjoyed Kiritsugu and Kirei trying to kill each other on every turn I had fun writing those parts. Not to mention Irisviel and Claudia being completely oblivious or ignoring their husband's behaviors and Claudia ignoring Caren's unhealthy need to make poor Shirou squirm xD.**

**Oh as for the Idea of Irisviel and Maya competing for Kiritsugu attention that's where that affair with saber was born from lol.**


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